The Morning Snore..

During the morning commute.. things generally aren't so bad. Aside from the jackass ticket puncher last week and the occassional 'equipment failures' the mornings are OK. Generally, i'm passed out within 20 minutes and don't wake up until i'm in the city.

But.. somedays, i'm unlucky when it comes to the seating lottery. On the train, you pick your seat. Usually because it's open, then you go on down the line depending how crowded the train is. I get on the first stop, so usually there is some space for me to choose. This is where the morning snore may hit. Sometimes you choose wisely, sometimes you don't. Both yesterday and today i did not choose wisely. I should have looked at who was sitting behind me before i chose my seat. I wasn't thinking ahead. The fat unkept men i sat in front of the last 2 days were key indicators that the mornig snore might hit. and it definitely did. I'm sitting there, trying to fall asleep.. and of course these fat bastards fall asleep before i do and proceed to snore at amazingly annoying levels.

There goes my shut eye. There is no way to fall asleep when someone right behind you is choking on their own flem in waves every 45 seconds, mixed in with the normal breathing pattern snore. it's just not possible. So what can i do about it? one day i got so angry i threw something at the offender's face.. he didn't move. So now, i'm just taking pictures of you assholes and i will begin the morning snore club.

This is for the benfit of anyone who must commute and can not stand the rudeness of a sloppy individual that can not keep their disgusting habits at home. If you see one of these people listed in the snore club.. find another seat. You have been warned.

Thank You Long Island Rail Road Ticket Puncher

I just want to send a big thank you out to the asshole ticket taker on my train this morning. You see.. i buy a monthly pass to ride the Long Island Rail Road. This helps cut down the daily costs of commuting. However, it's still expensive for the month. As much as a car payment for sure. Anyway, for the first time in 7 months, i forgot my monthly ticket. I realize this when chief dickhead comes to check.

I say, "Oh man.. i forgot my monthly pass!"

He looks at me like he gives not a shit, then shrugs his shoulders.

I say, "So you're going to make me pay huh?"

He looks at me like i'm a complete ass and puts his hand out like he doesn't have time for this.

Completely aggravated, i take out 20 bucks, becuase it costs $18 one way, which includes a $5 surcharge for buying your ticket on the train and not at a machine.. and i toss the money on the seat closest to him. I'm in a 3 seater, with no on else in the row.

King douchebag did not like this tossing of the money. So what does he do? he punches my ticket and throws it at me. The ticket then falls behind the seat into a very nasty abyss where no one will stick their hands.. He then proceeds to make my $2 change and throws that at me as well. Which also falls into the nasty abyss.

What excellent customer service you have LIRR ticket punching asshole. Is it that hard to understand that i already paid out the ass for a monthly ticket, that i might not be so happy when you bang me $20 for something i already paid for? Have a little understanding.

Another thing to note.. we have the same ticket guys pretty much everyday. It was no more than 3 days ago i saw this same ticket punching dick allow some poor young lady who forgot her monthly pass a 'free' ride. I guess my lack of cleavage makes a big difference on whether or not you provide your customers with some understanding.

Here's to you king asshole ticket puncher.. you represent the Long Island Railroad exactly how i expect you to!

Instant Style - Indentity Crisis

It's a funny thing working in New York City.. Especially when I'm commuting from south shore, central long island. About 1 hour just to get into the city.. this does not include driving to the train, taking the subway, walking from the subway to work or riding up the slowest elevator on earth to finally get to the office, but i digress.

The phenomenon i'm talking about here is the identity crisis I've begun to noticethat some of my fellow commuters have. It seems to occur mostly with younger women (20-low 30's range) but some men as well. I like call this indentity crisis / phenomenon 'Instant Style', as opposed to 'In Style'.

Instant Style is when a young woman, or man, begin or continue their careers in a high fashion locale. New York City just happens to be pretty high fashion. When they first start their job, i notice the normal garb of a typical long islander. Not bad, just not ultra trendy. As the weeks and months go by however, an entirely new person begins to materialize and *poof*, we have Instant Style. Stiletto boots up to the knees worn with cropped pants.. Sunglasses that grow in lens size by the day. fedora hats.. embellished belts. Basically, take an issue of cosmo pointing out some new fashion trends, and you'll see Ms. Instant Style wearing all of them at once after a few months in the city.

A whole new person is born.. New look, same plain girl (or guy) with a serious identity crisis.

Must you sit on my shoulder?

To the jackass that decided to sit in my cozy 2 seater the other night..

Do you need eyes on your ass? I mean, i know it sounds strange, but seriously.. You look at the open seat.. you decide to site there.. you turn your fat ass around and begin the 'sit down' motion.. but somehow, along the way.. your ass veers completely off track and lands on my shoulder. damn it man!

Then, i straight up call you an asshole, and you act like nothing happened!? Didn't even acknowledge the asshole comment or the fact that you sat on my effing shoulder. Where do people like you come from? To top it all off.. i then had the pleasure of witnessing and listening to you stuff a large order of greasy McDonalds fries into your mouth, 20 at a time. I can't even acurately describe that disgusting sound it made. Damn Pig!

WTF?

I have serious problems with grown men who decide that sitting cuddled up next to another grown man is more prefferable than having his own row of seating to himself.

point: if there is an open row of seats or a seat that allows you to seperate yourself from another human beings body part, it is your obligation to sit there. stop forcing your homo-erotic tendencies on other poor defenseless commuters. damn.

The Middle Seat Squeeze

so far, so good. though the train doesn't leave penn for about 7 minutes. let's see what kind of douche bag decides to plop his fat ass next to me... (It’s inevitable on the commute home to have at least 1 person sitting in your row. Unless you work on major holidays.. in that case though, you’re the idiot.)

And here he is. Maybe I pre-judged a bit too much? It’s not a hot chic, but it ain’t the usual pieces of shit I normally have to share my space with. He’s 50's, bill cosby looking guy sort of guy. i'm in a 3 seater, he's on the end, reading a book. No one's tried to squeeze their asses in between us yet. i should be OK for now. barring any unforeseen problemas. let's hope that's all i have to write about on this ride home.

Aprox. 20 minutes later..

we've got a douche bag in the house. a stupid little indian fuck (I’m not racist, i’m just descriptive). i'm in a 3 seater as i said before. window seat with bill cosby on the end. bill's got his briefcase in the middle, i've got my bag there too. My laptop’s out, obviously I’m busy (writing about you, you dumb bitch fuck). there are plenty of other middle seats for you to sit in, without causing the current occupants total upheaval. I see 6 such spots right now. shit, there's even a 3 seater no more than 4 rows up with just 1 person in it.

you see everybody..? this piece of fucking shit douche bag mother fucker HAD to squeeze in. WHY??? would you do that? fuck, i'd stand before i molded myself in between two strange dudes. better yet, i'd sit in the 3 seater occupied by 1 dude so i didn't have to have any physical contact with any strange men today. I’m not happy about it, and I’m also unable to type about it any longer. If you could only see the position I need to be in to type on this thing. Real tight in here. I hate you Indian man.

Middle Aged and Bored

as i figured, it's already been a doozy of a day. the morning ride in is usually OK. i get on at an early stop, there's usually plenty of seats.. people are mostly quiet, i pass the fuck out. things are OK. but not today my friends. i'll admit, i got to the train station a little late. OK, my fault. so i had to settle for what my brother and i like to call the 'talking seats'. these are the seats that face each other on the newer LIRR trains. we call them the talking seats because it seems there is a small population in the commuting public, that literally wait in the same spot everyday, get on the same car everyday (all at different stops, they don't get on at once, they form like voltron sort of) and talk with each other in the talking seats each day. they are loud, they are obnoxious and for the most part, a real pain in the ass when you're sitting nearby and trying to rest.

so, i knew what i might be in for. i just had a speck of hope that this particular talking seat was not one frequented by a group of 'locals'. right as i sat down, a woman looked at me, then quickly sat down in the direct opposite talking seat. now, i had a feeling she was like, damn.. a stranger is among us. but i can't totally read minds so i still had a glimmer of hope she wasn't part of a crew. well, turns out she was. i knew it as we pulled into the next station. there he was, the loud and extremely talkative leader of this set. i've seen him before. i've cursed him before. him and his two other middle aged, married, overly joyous in the morning friends are always loud, and always talking about dumb shit. i then realized the woman, was the woman i had noticed before to be in their crew. they all have rings on their fingers, but the three men use this woman for dirty kicks each day and from what i've seen, she uses them back. makes you wonder about your wife that commutes to the city each day doesn't it?

anyway, i had about 10 minutes of peace (just myself and the lady) until the rest of the crew rolled up on the set and the next stop. the rest of the trip i was forced to listen to news i heard yesterday, and dumb 30 something's discussing it. and may i stress dumb here? first of all, we live in the internet age man.. where we get our news on the minute. friggin pull up cnn.com a few times a day assholes. i don't need to hear about a second shark attack in florida this morning, i read it at 9 am yesterday. The talking seats are bad man. i suggest avoiding sitting near them at all costs. OK, so i had to deal with some middle aged chatter boxes that enjoy getting extra-marital kicks on the train in the morning.. could be worse right? well it got worse. The LIRR occasionally likes to stop short.. you know, hold down the brakes and not move for a while. it's all in good fun i guess. this time however, it seems we stopped to get some instructions. our mission has changed.. we are no longer scheduled to go straight to good ol penn station. no sir. it is now our mission to stop at an unscheduled location and pick up a entire train full of stranded commuters. Their train is what the long island railroad likes to call 'disabled'. which is a nice way of saying 'fucking broke man'. disabled trains are all over the place in the long island railroad system, as i'm sure we'll get into as this blog moves through the weeks and months. disabled trains cause me much trouble at minimum once every 2 weeks. It's funny really. funny to the point i want to shoot myself in the nuts. but i digress.. Here we are, sitting at a train station we're supposed to just fly right past, waiting for the 'disabled' train to limp on through. where we then get to realize the true meaning of the word uncomfortable, as an entire train full of vagabonds squeeze their fat asses onto ours. anyway, you get the point.. this whole process added an extra 30 minutes to my already ridiculous commute and got me to work late. Now i'm lucky enough to have to make up for that time by staying longer in the office tonight. Thank you long island railroad. another day, another pain in the ass from you. and i've yet to ride home today.

So it begins..

ahh the first day of actually keeping track of my LIRR hell.. The long island railroad is my mobile home for about 3 ½ hours each weekday. That’s the minimum amount of time spent anyway. i’m stating a minimum there not an average. I live with only 1 inevitable truth on these fantastic journey’s to and fro on LIRR. What’s this you ask me? Is it that I will get to work on time, let alone at get to work at all? No.. Is it that I will get home? No. The truth is, I will spend no less than 3 1/2 hours on the sunny long island railroad each work day, best case scenario. What’s that you say? I’m a lucky devil? Thank you, I know. But let me tell you something, bitches.. the 3 ½ hours I can almost tolerate.. yea, that’s right, I’m an idiot. But maybe I’m able to tolerate the 3 ½ hour long railroad ride (at minimum remember) each day because there’s other annoying shit going on. What could be more annoying than that? How about the damn people on the train and the long island railroad – LIRR –MTA bastards that run these trains, themselves. Not only does it take a long time, but the service provided and the ingrates commuting are far tougher to deal with. I sometimes dream of riding an empty cloud soaked train to work for 5 hours a day. I don’t give a shit where I am really, as long as I’m sleeping.. but this train, the LIRR.. it’s tough to take.. Let’s ride..