My experiences and observations commuting on the long island rail road. To sum it up, What a Dump..

Monday, September 26, 2005

The Middle Seat Squeeze

so far, so good. though the train doesn't leave penn for about 7 minutes. let's see what kind of douche bag decides to plop his fat ass next to me... (It’s inevitable on the commute home to have at least 1 person sitting in your row. Unless you work on major holidays.. in that case though, you’re the idiot.)

And here he is. Maybe I pre-judged a bit too much? It’s not a hot chic, but it ain’t the usual pieces of shit I normally have to share my space with. He’s 50's, bill cosby looking guy sort of guy. i'm in a 3 seater, he's on the end, reading a book. No one's tried to squeeze their asses in between us yet. i should be OK for now. barring any unforeseen problemas. let's hope that's all i have to write about on this ride home.

Aprox. 20 minutes later..

we've got a douche bag in the house. a stupid little indian fuck (I’m not racist, i’m just descriptive). i'm in a 3 seater as i said before. window seat with bill cosby on the end. bill's got his briefcase in the middle, i've got my bag there too. My laptop’s out, obviously I’m busy (writing about you, you dumb bitch fuck). there are plenty of other middle seats for you to sit in, without causing the current occupants total upheaval. I see 6 such spots right now. shit, there's even a 3 seater no more than 4 rows up with just 1 person in it.

you see everybody..? this piece of fucking shit douche bag mother fucker HAD to squeeze in. WHY??? would you do that? fuck, i'd stand before i molded myself in between two strange dudes. better yet, i'd sit in the 3 seater occupied by 1 dude so i didn't have to have any physical contact with any strange men today. I’m not happy about it, and I’m also unable to type about it any longer. If you could only see the position I need to be in to type on this thing. Real tight in here. I hate you Indian man.

Middle Aged and Bored

as i figured, it's already been a doozy of a day. the morning ride in is usually OK. i get on at an early stop, there's usually plenty of seats.. people are mostly quiet, i pass the fuck out. things are OK. but not today my friends. i'll admit, i got to the train station a little late. OK, my fault. so i had to settle for what my brother and i like to call the 'talking seats'. these are the seats that face each other on the newer LIRR trains. we call them the talking seats because it seems there is a small population in the commuting public, that literally wait in the same spot everyday, get on the same car everyday (all at different stops, they don't get on at once, they form like voltron sort of) and talk with each other in the talking seats each day. they are loud, they are obnoxious and for the most part, a real pain in the ass when you're sitting nearby and trying to rest.

so, i knew what i might be in for. i just had a speck of hope that this particular talking seat was not one frequented by a group of 'locals'. right as i sat down, a woman looked at me, then quickly sat down in the direct opposite talking seat. now, i had a feeling she was like, damn.. a stranger is among us. but i can't totally read minds so i still had a glimmer of hope she wasn't part of a crew. well, turns out she was. i knew it as we pulled into the next station. there he was, the loud and extremely talkative leader of this set. i've seen him before. i've cursed him before. him and his two other middle aged, married, overly joyous in the morning friends are always loud, and always talking about dumb shit. i then realized the woman, was the woman i had noticed before to be in their crew. they all have rings on their fingers, but the three men use this woman for dirty kicks each day and from what i've seen, she uses them back. makes you wonder about your wife that commutes to the city each day doesn't it?

anyway, i had about 10 minutes of peace (just myself and the lady) until the rest of the crew rolled up on the set and the next stop. the rest of the trip i was forced to listen to news i heard yesterday, and dumb 30 something's discussing it. and may i stress dumb here? first of all, we live in the internet age man.. where we get our news on the minute. friggin pull up a few times a day assholes. i don't need to hear about a second shark attack in florida this morning, i read it at 9 am yesterday. The talking seats are bad man. i suggest avoiding sitting near them at all costs. OK, so i had to deal with some middle aged chatter boxes that enjoy getting extra-marital kicks on the train in the morning.. could be worse right? well it got worse. The LIRR occasionally likes to stop short.. you know, hold down the brakes and not move for a while. it's all in good fun i guess. this time however, it seems we stopped to get some instructions. our mission has changed.. we are no longer scheduled to go straight to good ol penn station. no sir. it is now our mission to stop at an unscheduled location and pick up a entire train full of stranded commuters. Their train is what the long island railroad likes to call 'disabled'. which is a nice way of saying 'fucking broke man'. disabled trains are all over the place in the long island railroad system, as i'm sure we'll get into as this blog moves through the weeks and months. disabled trains cause me much trouble at minimum once every 2 weeks. It's funny really. funny to the point i want to shoot myself in the nuts. but i digress.. Here we are, sitting at a train station we're supposed to just fly right past, waiting for the 'disabled' train to limp on through. where we then get to realize the true meaning of the word uncomfortable, as an entire train full of vagabonds squeeze their fat asses onto ours. anyway, you get the point.. this whole process added an extra 30 minutes to my already ridiculous commute and got me to work late. Now i'm lucky enough to have to make up for that time by staying longer in the office tonight. Thank you long island railroad. another day, another pain in the ass from you. and i've yet to ride home today.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

So it begins..

ahh the first day of actually keeping track of my LIRR hell.. The long island railroad is my mobile home for about 3 ½ hours each weekday. That’s the minimum amount of time spent anyway. i’m stating a minimum there not an average. I live with only 1 inevitable truth on these fantastic journey’s to and fro on LIRR. What’s this you ask me? Is it that I will get to work on time, let alone at get to work at all? No.. Is it that I will get home? No. The truth is, I will spend no less than 3 1/2 hours on the sunny long island railroad each work day, best case scenario. What’s that you say? I’m a lucky devil? Thank you, I know. But let me tell you something, bitches.. the 3 ½ hours I can almost tolerate.. yea, that’s right, I’m an idiot. But maybe I’m able to tolerate the 3 ½ hour long railroad ride (at minimum remember) each day because there’s other annoying shit going on. What could be more annoying than that? How about the damn people on the train and the long island railroad – LIRR –MTA bastards that run these trains, themselves. Not only does it take a long time, but the service provided and the ingrates commuting are far tougher to deal with. I sometimes dream of riding an empty cloud soaked train to work for 5 hours a day. I don’t give a shit where I am really, as long as I’m sleeping.. but this train, the LIRR.. it’s tough to take.. Let’s ride..

Friday, September 23, 2005


and here it is.. i can not take it anymore. it seems each and every day something pisses me off on the long island rail road. more often than not, it's someone. now is my time to berate you in a way that i only know how. all the shit i want to say when your fat ass sits next to me.. or the LIRR peaches decide to drop us off in some town 45 minute away from my stop, then say, 'buses are on the way'. oh shit, thinking about it now pisses me off..

It's close to 12 am, and i don't have to be on that damned train for another 7 hours.. so i don't want to think about it now and get all flustered. but i'll be back tomorrow, on location.. i'm bringing this bitch to the streets. or the rails i should say. i'll be typing like an angry mccann the whole way home. chances are anyway. annoying shit happens every day, so i'm confident i won't have to wait long for appropriate subject matter.

so, all that said, i'm sure i'll never be lucky enough to run into her on the LIRR again, that god forsaken vessel that brings me cross the river styx twice each day.. tomorrow is a new day! one that i'm sure will bring me much future anguish to vent about here. while this is going on, i hope to take pictures of some of the offending parties. so watch out, we're about to have a house meeting ya'll. 'what do you mean, you people!' you know what i mean.. i said it before, i'm bringing this on the rails. beware of showing douche bag type behavior, or you may end up, mug shot and all, on Long Island Rail Road Hell.